This is me.

7am is approaching and I have yet to get my sleep.

Sleeping these days has been a task. Gone were the days where sleeping was a luxury. It is now nothing but a nightmare.

It is the moments before one falls asleep, the moment where you feel the comfort of your pillow, warmth of your duvet and softness of the bed; that haunts me. These moments send me shrieking for salvation. The pillow becomes a manifestation of confusion, the duvet heats up like a boiler and the soft bed disintegrates and turns dull.

Like a sanctuary of calmness; moments before you fall asleep are suppose to engulf your thoughts, sending your mind into emptiness and lightness. This is the time when your mind anticipates its desired and deserved rest; a time where it thinks of nothing, sending your whole body into a motion of calmness and serenity. Like a cocoon; your body, mind and soul is surrounded with silence and ultimate relaxation.

However this is not my case.

It is the sudden emptiness that bizarrely sends my mind into a field of wild fire. Activating every corner of my brain, drowning me with emotions, memories and hypothetical situations. It swallows my sanity, tatters my serenity, increases its grip on my aching heart and rips my healing scars open.

I want to heal. I want to move on. But the very thought of what the uncertain future beholds frightens me to my very core.

I am a walking billboard of failure and will always be branded as one.

I will recover, but I will never truly heal.

My confidence and emotions will forever be handicapped.

This will not define my existence. But now, at least now;

This is me..