Help

I was told by a good friend of mine; she noticed I've lost confidence in almost everything, especially in self-confidence. To her, this happened after I left the country. Contrary to common beliefs, I have lost my self esteem rather than gaining more after stepping outside the peninsular. Lets just leave it as 2010 has not been particularly kind to me.

I have started my healing process, and to date, I have made progress. I've learnt to accept my fate and move forward. This is easier said than done. I've told myself, I will accept this and work towards getting through this one year, but I have yet to face to music. For the past month or two, following the ugly scenarios unfolded before me, I have hid myself from all public appearances, making only necessary ones and ones that wouldn't bother me. The past few months indeed aided my healing process but it too sheltered me from all i deem "harmful". It has cocooned me in a solitary shell. This solitude has subconsciously pushed me into a deeper level of emptiness and hollowness. It has erased my goals, blurred my vision and vanished my hopes. Like a black hole, sucking the light out of that glimmer of hope,  a harbinger of catastrophe. Suddenly now, I have to break open my shell and return to face reality; with no goals, no vision..no hope.

On the outside, it is all gravy and joy. Filled with smiles and sparkles. However it is always short lived. When the sun sets, the moon rises and the light goes out; darkness and depression comes out to play. Only then do i know my reality. My uncertain reality.

I am trying really hard to heal. Only when I'm truly healed can I laugh at my mistakes and failure. But now, I still can't.

Everytime I'm reminded of my failure, my mind sinks into depression, my heart retrieves into that dark, lonely corner where I find solitude. A corner that only brings disaster and destroys hope.

I need help.

Help.